The life that never was…

As with a lot of people, things have happened in my life which were extremely difficult and although always in my mind I try not to dwell on it too much and rarely talk about it, but this week is baby loss awareness week and so I felt it is the right time to share my story – this is my experience of an ectopic pregnancy

My husband and I had been trying for baby for a year when I went to see my GP for advice, after a very lengthy process of blood tests with both my GP and then the hospital I was finally diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. I had no idea I had this as I had been on the pill since I was 18 and that had hidden the symptoms of PCOS. Getting the diagnosis was actually a relief, it meant that although there was something wrong it wasn’t terrible and with a little help there was hope that I could fall pregnant.

I was given Clomid tablets to take and tried as best I could to carry on as normal and just wait and see if anything happened. I wasn’t expecting any instant miracles so when I started to bleed after I had completed the first cycle of tablets I just thought it was my period and starting to move my thoughts to maybe a bit more of a positive time next month. But the bleeding was heavy and went on for a couple of days, my periods have always been really light and mostly only last a day or two so I knew this wasn’t quite right. I was trying so hard to stay positive that I put it down to being a side effect of the tablets but made an appointment with my GP just to check it out and be on the safe side. Because I felt relaxed about it I went on my own to the GP.

The GP was lovely and appeared very calm. She asked if I could be pregnant, of course there was a chance as we were trying but I was having a period so obviously not – I was wrong. She got me to do a test, which came up positive, my world fell apart. How could I be pregnant that quick? It was only the first cycle of treatment. And if I was then why was I bleeding so much?

She calmly explained her concerns that the pregnancy was ectopic and explained what this meant and what had to happen now. She called the hospital while I sat with her trying to calm myself but as it was late in the day she said I would have to wait until the morning to go and see them for a scan. I left the room in floods of tears and tried to work out how on earth I was going to tell all this to my unsuspecting husband. He was the same as me and not worrying about the bleeding, thinking it was just a side effect and would stop soon.

The feelings of despair, grief and fear were unbearable. The wait for the scan seemed like an eternity. I didn’t know what to do with myself, as yet it wasn’t confirmed but I just knew this wasn’t going to be a mistake and have a happy ending. The next day at the hospital a scan confirmed the worst and shattered my dreams of being a parent. I just couldn’t get it out of my head that this may have been our only chance of having a child.

I wasn’t experiencing any pain so it still seemed a little unreal but the bleeding was something I couldn’t get away from and made it clear this wasn’t all a bad dream. I was given drugs to peacefully end the pregnancy, it was the hardest thing I had ever had to go through. As far as we knew there was nothing wrong with the baby, it was just in the wrong place so had no chance of survival past a few weeks from conception. A life that would never be.

Sadly the drugs did not take effect and the pregnancy continued. I was then called in for emergency keyhole surgery to remove it. Unfortunately as it was so developed they also had to remove my fallopian tube, reducing my chances of falling pregnant again, a double blow. My world was just collapsing around me and I had no control over it at all. I could feel my dream getting further and further away.

The recovery from the surgery was painful in every sense. Not being able to move about much meant I had plenty of time to sit with my thoughts. I feel I was quite strong though despite everything, as I managed to turn my thoughts around and with a little bit of counselling I came to terms with it and got myself in to more positive mindset that this was not the end and my dream could still be achieved.

We gave ourselves time to get over the grief and for my body to recover then we put our experience behind us and began to try again. This time I was taking no chances and took a pregnancy test every time my period was due. One morning, to my absolute joy it was positive! I had no bleeding, no pain just a little blue line!! And even better it happened again when we decided to add to our family!!

I am overjoyed to be able to say that although this terrible thing happened and will always be in my thoughts and my heart, I am now blessed with two wonderful boys.

Life experiences make us who we are. The pain and memory of it all fades in time but the scars are always with us. Anything which knocks you down just gives you reason to get back up. I have survived baby loss. It makes me stronger and the love I feel for my boys even more precious.